As Special Agent Duncan Carlisle, Dylan McDermott is supposed to be a professional. But when he goes rogue and takes Toni Collette's family hostage, he and his team of highly-trained assassins make a couple of rookie mistakes. In response, we've brainstormed some helpful tips for the next improbable, overly convoluted conspiracy plot on their agenda.
1. Don't take your masks off
This one should be obvious. McDermott and Co. bust into chez Collette clad in the obligatory black ski masks, but within moments he's taking it off and revealing his rugged, impeccably stubbled mug as if he wants it all over the news. "If they take their masks off that means they're going to kill us!" frets Collette's daughter, for whom this scene also, apparently, feels like a '90s thriller retread. Luckily for her, McDermott only launches into a long stretch of fatally hackneyed dialogue.
2. Keep the hostages on their toes
One second McDermott's pointing an assault rifle at Collette's head, and the next he's standing around like a bored waiter while she and her family enjoy a nutritious home-cooked meal. You need to put the hammer down, man. In Misery, did Kathy Bates unshackle James Caan so that he could join her for pizza night? No: she poured hot soup on his skin. Learn from the pros, McDermott.
3. Ditch the number system
Look, you guys already took your masks off. Do you really need to walk around referring to each other as Number Two, Number Four, and so on? Or do you just think that makes you sound, like, super mysterious and stuff? Oh, you do. Got it.
4. Close the blinds
It's broad daylight on a suburban street. You're standing in the living room toting machine guns like it's National Machine Gun Day. Two words: window treatments.
5. Have a better plan
If you want to assassinate the president, and the current plan is to break into his doctor's house, hold the doctor's family at gunpoint, and order her to intentionally botch an upcoming surgery, you really need to take a moment and make sure that Snidely Whiplash isn't actually behind this.